SING US A SONG MR SARUMAN!
by Naheka and C-chan
Summary: Saruman was staring into his palintiri on a Sunday morn. All was calm... until a large wooden box suddenly came flying into the room! What is in store for our not-really-beloved wizard? Next chapter up!
1. THE BOX-by Naheka

Disclaimer: We don't own Lord of the Rings. J.R.R. Tolkien owns 'em. As for the little song, Billy Joel owns it.  
  
NOTE: Our first co-written fic, so please forgive us if we screw up the plot.  
  
  
  
SING US A SONG MR.SARUMAN!  
  
Chapter 1: THE BOX- by Naheka  
  
  
  
One day, Saruman was staring into his Palintir. It was a boring, uneventful, and cold Sunday morning. Saruman's eyes were half closed and was just about to fall asleep of boredom when he saw a dark shape within the endless depths of the evil seeing stone.  
  
"What the heck?" he said looking closer at the orb. "There's…some kind of…figure in the Palintir!"  
  
Saruman was about to get an even closer look when suddenly the door banged open. A large wooden crate flew through the doorway and stopped with a BANG on the other side of the room.  
  
"What devillry is this?" he cried, backing away from the box. He quickly turned to the doorway where the box had came from. What he saw made him scream….in a very disturbing tone…like a little girl's.  
  
Five Uruk-hai and several other unfortuante Orcs had been plowed over and were laying flat one the floor. They all had wooden plank marks on their backs.  
  
Saruman was about to fall to his knees to weep in unconvincing sorrow with lot's of whining and screaming, but then there was a loud THUD coming from the direction of the box.  
  
He whipped around.  
  
Gandalf was sitting at a piano, Aragorn, Boromir, and Legolas were behind him, and Gimli, Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin were in the front.  
  
Saruman didn't have any time to question why they were there because Gandalf started to play up and down the keys. The four in the front started waving their arms in the air with synchronism and the three in the back starts to sing:  
  
"SING US A SONG! MR. SARUMAN! SING US A SONG TONIGHT!"  
  
Saruman, once again, screamed like a little girl and fled from the room in an insane rampage.  
  
  
  
  
  
Weird ya'? Alright C-chan. Your turn! 


	2. JUST ADD WATER- by C-chan

Disclaimer: We don't own Lord of The Rings, it belongs to Mr. Tolkien. We don't own Billy Joel's song "Piano Man" either, or Josie and the Pussycats song "Josie and the Pussycats" or the "U.G.L.Y" song, but the made up parts belong to us! I think….  
  
Note: Made up parts are underlined.  
  
  
  
SING US A SONG MR. SARUMAN!  
  
Chapter two: It says "Just add water"…  
  
  
  
"AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Saruman as he ran from the room to escape the madness.  
  
And he ran, and ran, and ran some more, till he came to some_random_inn. It had a sign above the door, and it said "The Dorky Donkey" and had a picture of a donkey with huge glasses on with lots of tape in the middle.  
  
"That is the DORKYEST donkey I have ever seen! Or my eyebrows aren't as thick as cucumbers!" he said, and walked inside.  
  
Once inside, he was greeted by a waiter, who lead him to his table. At his table he ordered a glass of water, and so offended the waiter that the inn keeper was called.  
  
"What's all this about? I heard that a customer entered my establishment and instead of usually ordering an alcoholic beverage, has ordered H2O"  
  
Everyone in the inn "Uh-huh, right"  
  
Innkeeper "Or that he order water in stead of ale"  
  
Everyone in the inn "Oh!"  
  
"Well, what is the meaning of this?" the innkeeper asked again.  
  
"Well," answered Saruman, "I ran here from a far away place and felt like I wanted a glass of water, got a problem with that, Dork?" he asked standing up and doing that "somehow grows taller by two feet and looks all menacing and scary" pose.  
  
The inn keeper, whose name was Lauren, and who also was VERY DORKY, ran and hide in a VERY DORKY fashion, screaming at the top of her lungs.*Dedicated to Jackie, see? I wrote the part you requested. Oh, sorry for interrupting the story, um, back to the story!*  
  
Then just after Saruman sat down, the Dork Lauren came back.  
  
"Um, H-he—he-he-hello! Would you hap- happen to be a-a-a, Mr.Sa-sa-sa-ru-ru- ma-ma-man, the Ex-ex White?" she asked, totally scared now and shaking as if she just jumped in a lake with the water temperature –40 degrees, and on a VERY windy day too.  
  
"Well, I'll forgive your stuttering, you fool of a dork, but if you don't leave me alone, I'm gonna turn you in to, hmmmm, how about, oh, grass? So every one can step on you?" he said in a menacing voice.  
  
"Umm, you just have a package, bye!" she said, dropping the package on he table, then running a away in a VERY clumsy, dorky, manner, and tripped and fell on her face about fifty times before reaching the door, which was…….three feet away.  
  
"Hm, what could this be?' said Saruman, looking at the package, which was labeled:  
  
To: Mr. Saruman, The EX-White  
  
From: I'm not Gonna tell you! HA! HA!  
  
Just Add Water  
  
So seeing the "Just Add Water" sign, he poured his whole mug on it, ignoring the "Only add .0000000000000000000000000000000000001 drops of water, or ELSE." Sing label under it in Point .5 print.  
  
Then to his utter horror, the box grew, and grew, and GREW, till it reached the ceiling, and took up about one fourth of the room. Then it started to make noises…  
  
Then, EXPLODED! With a tiny *Pop* sound. Leaving the room full of smoke, and a piece of wood stuck to Saruman's forehead, right between his eyes.  
  
Then came a booming sound, causing Saruman to jump five feet in the air, and scream in a very disturbing way, like the lady in the horror films, with a bunch of scary violinsts popping up behind him, playing that scary high pitched violin piece they play as the lady, or Saruman, screamed.  
  
Then, out of the smoke, coughing and sneezing, were Josie and The Pussycats.  
  
Then Saruman was tied to a random chair, Josie, and her band started to play…the sang  
  
"Saruman and the Urk-hai!  
  
Oh no, you killed my eyes!  
  
Who is that old fat guy?  
  
Old, fat, ugly,  
  
Don't you know  
  
You're all wrinkly!"  
  
Then, the banged open, and in appeared Legolas, Frodo, Sam, Pippin, Merry, Aragorn and Gandalf, who had a keyboard with a sling thing-a-ma-gig on it, so he could walk and play at the same time.  
  
They assembled themselves with the hobbits waving their hands with lighters in them, as Legolas and Aragorn, sang with Gandalf playing in the background.  
  
"Sing us a song Mr.Saruman!  
  
Sing us a song tonight!  
  
Though it sounds like nails on a chalk-board,  
  
We don't care, our ears died last night!  
  
Then, Saruman fled, screaming like a soprano all the way.  
  
Okay! There! I FINALLY FINISHED! I have gotten over the, *GASP* Writers block! DUN! DUN! DUN!!  
  
Okey Dokey, Gandalf smells Smokey! Your turn Naheka! 


	3. MEDDLING IN MORIA- by Naheka

Saruman bolted out the door, where he trampled Lauren, and didn't stop 'till daybreak…..at the Gates of Moria.  
  
"ERGH!" he howled at the wall with Elvish markings. "I don't know the darn password!"  
  
Then, in the distance, he could hear singing…..or screaming.  
  
"HA HA HA, HEE HEE, HO!  
  
HA HA, HEE HEE HA HA HO!  
  
SING US A SONG MR. SARUMAN-"  
  
"OPEN UP! OPEN UP!" screamed Saruman as he started kicking and banging on the doors. "PLEASE! PLEASE!"  
  
The noise was getting closer. Saruman was now trying to climb the door. In his madness, the possibility of climbing a flat wall was probable.  
  
"THOUGH IT SOUNDS LIKE NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD,  
  
WE DON'T CARE, OUR EARS DIED LAST NIGHT!!!"  
  
The company was too close. Saruman had to hide.  
  
He dove behind a rock where he huddled up and shut his eyes really tight, like a three-year old playing hide and seek.  
  
The music stopped. Instead, they turned into voices.  
  
"Where'd he go?" said Frodo.  
  
"I don't know." Said Aragorn.  
  
"He must have gone through the Mines!" exclaimed Gimli.  
  
"Then let's go!" said Gandalf as he adjusted his sling that suspended his piano. He turned around to make sure everyone was there.  
  
"Let's see: One Ring-Bearer, One Ring-Bearer's gardener, One fool of a Took, Merry,"  
  
At these words, Merry stuck out his tounge at the other three. "He knows my proper name."  
  
"One King of Gondor, One TRUE King of Gondor [guess who's who], myself, Gimli, and….where's Pretty-boy-elf?"  
  
"Hey! This is my hiding spot! Go get your own!"  
  
"No way! I need this spot!"  
  
Everyone turned to a rock hidden in a corner. Small dust clouds were rising from behind it.  
  
"I found it first!"  
  
"I came here MONTHS before you did! They're after me!"  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
Pretty-boy-e--- I'm mean, Legolas tumbled out from behind the rock. He immediately jumped in the lake.  
  
"What the-?" began Sam, but then---  
  
"AHA! THEY'RE OVER HERE! I TOLD YOU THEY WOULD!"  
  
"DID NOT! I KNEW IT!"  
  
The ground began to tremble. It was the familiar tremble….of terror.  
  
"FANGIRLS! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
The Fellowship and Saruman didn't have to recite the password. They merely rammed straight through the wall, stone and debris flying everywhere.  
  
"GET THEM! GET THEM!" screamed a fangirl.  
  
"I WANNA' GLOMP FRODO!" said another.  
  
"NO WAY! HE'S MINE!"  
  
"I GET LEGOLAS!"  
  
"ARAGORN'S MINE!"  
  
The hoard of screeching females stampeded to the large hole in the wall where the original Gates of Moria were, but they halted when the giant evil squidy thingy came and scared them away.  
  
The giant evil squidy thingy roared in triumph as everyone sprinted in oppisite directions. The Fellowship and Saruman mistook this for more fangirls, and ran even faster.  
  
"Saruman?" asked Frodo, who was also in the lead along with Legolas and Aragorn. "Why are you running?"  
  
"Yeah!" said Aragorn. "You don't have any fangirls."  
  
He turned around to see that no one was chasing them anymore and they slid to a halt. They were now at the fork with three doors.  
  
"They'll run me over and get my white robes all dirty!" whined Saruman as he dusted off some soot from his heels.  
  
"No," whispered Merry to Pippin. "He just needs the exercise."  
  
"I heard that!" snapped Saruman, glaring at the two Hobbits who laughed back in his face.  
  
"You shouldn't even be wearing white!" exclaimed Gandalf.  
  
"Then what should I be wearing wearing?"  
  
The Fellowship paused, then gathered in a huddle. After about five minutes of plotting, they arranged themselves on the rocks. Aragorn, Boromir and Legolas at the top, Gandalf sitting down in a crevis, and the remaining five at the bottom.  
  
Then Gandalf started playing his piano, and the five started dancing 60's style.  
  
"HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE TYE-DYE MAN?!!!  
  
THE TYE-DYE MAN?!!! THEY TYE-DYE MAN?!!!  
  
HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE TYE-DYE MAN?!!!  
  
THAT LIVES IN-"  
  
Saruman screamed like a little girl again and fled from the scene.  
  
The Fellowship followed him.  
  
Saruman ran, ran, and ran some more. He sprinted through Balin's Tomb, jumped down the well, fell on the Bridge of Khazad Dum, and tripped the Balrog on his way out.  
  
He kept running, and the Fellowhip kept singing.  
  
  
  
  
  
Yup! That's chapter 3! Done! (snaps her fingers) Your turn C-chan. 


	4. MEET THE AGENTS- by C-chan

Author's note: I. AM. SO. SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so sorry to all you people who have been waiting for the next chapter! It all started when I got sick, stupid fever! Lasted about four days. Then I got a cold. Stupid thing. Then I got better, but then I had HOMEWORK! Another stupid thing. And now I have a cold again! I decided to stop putting this off, and write.  
  
  
  
Meet the Agents  
  
By C-Chan  
  
  
  
*When will those fools leave me alone?!* thought Saruman. Then he looked at his scenery. As he ran though the middle door, in the three doors, he would run though a very dark room, then up some stairs, then through the door again. That was not right. He then turned and went though the right door, and the same thing happened, him ending up at the three doors again. After fifteen minutes of this he go tired. And just sat down and waited for what he knew was coming.  
  
"SING US A SONG MR.SARUMAN!  
  
SING US A SONG TONIGHT!  
  
THOUGH IT SOUNDS LIKE NAILS ON A CHALK BOARD  
  
WE DON'T CARE, OUR EARS DIED LAST NIGHT!"  
  
'Whoa! You fool of a fellowship! Fellowship halt!" bellowed Gandalf, and as he commanded, the fellowship stopped running, though they all ended up crashing into a wall.  
  
"Why did you do that Gandalf! You almost made me break my sword again!"  
  
"Yeah! And my axe has a scratch!"  
  
"You made Mr. Frodo upset!"  
  
*Big Watery Eyes*  
  
"I think I see a split end! No, wait, it's just bad lighting!"  
  
"Never mind that! Now the flasks with the ale in them are cracked!"  
  
"And all the mushrooms are squashed!"  
  
"I'm fine, my huge plate protected me"  
  
Gandalf walks over to Boromir and hits him on the head with his staff.  
  
"That's a shield, you fool of a man!"  
  
*SNIFF* Well, why did we stop, Gandalf?" asked Frodo, as Sam hands him a handkerchief.  
  
"We stopped because of that! You foolish ring-bearer!" he said, pointing with his staff to Saruman sitting on a rock with earplugs in his ears, starring at his nails.  
  
Saruman then just looked up, sensing that he was being stared at, and pulled out the earplugs.  
  
"Ah, finally, now all of you shut up"  
  
"What are you doing" asked Pippin.  
  
"and listen because"  
  
"Why, can't you see? He's debating whether to paint his nails clear again or pink!" stated Merry.  
  
"something odd is going on you foolish half lings! And I don't paint my nails! "  
  
"Yeah…right…whatever' said the fellowship, as Saruman began to look nervous.  
  
"I don't!"  
  
"Uh huh, yeah, sure you don't"  
  
"Well, look at this" said Saruman as he picked up a rock and threw it through one of the doors then it zoomed up the stairs and Gandalf caught it.  
  
"What does it mean?" asked Frodo  
  
"It means that…WE'RE STUCK IN A RERUN!" screamed Aragorn as he started running in circles.  
  
"NO! You fool of a king" said Gandalf as he whacked Aragorn with his staff knocking him unconscious.  
  
Then, suddenly, the lights dimmed, and a spotlight appeared in the middle door way, and there stood, two figures dressed in long coats with a hat tipped slightly down, so you couldn't see their faces, and they had a hand holding the tip of the hat, keeping the hat in place.*Think of old detective type people*  
  
"Who are you?" asked Sam  
  
"We are the ones who made you run in circles" said one.  
  
"And we're sorry for doing that, but it was necessary for us to do our job" said the other.  
  
"And just what is your "job", and who are you?" said Frodo  
  
"And can turn the lights back on? This is creepy!" said Merry  
  
"Oh please! Leave the lights off! We never get to do our introduction anymore! Please! We'll……..give you a basket of mushrooms with a…a …a……can of "Fan-girl-away"!"  
  
"DONE!" screamed the hobbits quickly taking the basket, devouring the mushrooms.  
  
"OKAY! Ahem, lets start over!" said the one who gave them the basket.  
  
"I am bane of all who annoy me!  
  
I like cute and cuddly things!  
  
I like beating things up!  
  
I am the bane of bugs!  
  
And together we're the bane of abusive fangirls!  
  
We are:  
  
Agent Fushi!  
  
Agent Moochi!  
  
OF THE C.A.I!"  
  
"I thought it was C.I.A?" asked Pippin  
  
"No, C.A.I, "Character Abuse Investigators" said Agent Moochi.  
  
"Hiya! I'm Agent Moochi, this is Agent Fushi, but you can call us Moochi and Fushi if ya want!" then they all shook hands.  
  
"Hello, I'm"  
  
"Frodo Baggins of the Shire!" said Moochi  
  
"Greetings I'm"  
  
"Gimli the Dwarf! Cool Axe!" said Fushi  
  
"And your Aragorn, and Boromir, and Gandalf, and Legolas, and Pippin, and Merry, and Sam, and Frodo and Gimli!" said Moochi  
  
"How do you know our names?" asked Legolas  
  
"Well, it's part of our job" said Fushi  
  
"And just what is your job?" asked a very irritated Saruman.  
  
"TO PROTECT AND DEFEND CHARATERS WHO ARE BEING ABUSED!" shouted Fushi and Moochi.  
  
"What do you mean?" asked Pippin  
  
"Well, you know how the fangirls *all shiver* are following you? It's our job to safely guide you through the mines" said Fushi  
  
"All right, then lead on!" said Gandalf  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Authors Note: Okay, because I don't write sometimes,*like, I haven't written in FOREVER* I decided that whoever reviews, is gonna be on a list, and whenever a new chapter's put up, I'm gonna tell you. If you don't want me to do this, then just tell me in a review, and I won't put you on the list. 


	5. LEADING ALONG...-by Naheka

Disclaimer: Don't own LOTR. Tolkien does!   
  


* * *

  
  
**Naheka's Note:**   
  
_I sincerely apologize for the incredously long wait for this chapter. I was relying on C-chan to do this job, but it seems that she is just too lazy to write anything! Even if it has been over a month. I am thoroughly ashmed of her, I will tell you. I was able to whip this up in one day, so please excuse me if it's a bit jumbled. Chaos-chan, I hope you are sorry that you couldn't even do your half of this bargain._  
  
-Naheka  
  


* * *

  
  
**To Elwing, **  
  
_I accept your apology. I don't even know if C-chan has read your review, and since she wrote that particular chapter, I don't know if she even cares. So clever of you not to put in an e-mail address, isn't it? But it was not so clever as to notice that 'parody' is one of the genres for this fic. To us, parody means "no plot." If that is the incorrect definition, then please be kind enough as to alert us. I hope that your eyes shall not be so misguided next time. No grudges. No fights. Peace be with you._  
  
-Naheka  
  


* * *

But enough about sad and boring things! On with the fic!  
  
  
**SING US A SONG MR.SARUMAN!**  
  
  
  
"Alright then!" exclaimed Moochi, "Let's go Fuschi! Fuschi?... Fusch?"  
  
Agent Moochi looked around. Agent Fuschi was nowhere to be seen. She wasn't hanging around in any of the doorways, or hiding behind any rocks, or siting on the stairs.   
  
"Sorry!" called a voice.  
  
Moochi wheeled around.  
  
"There you are!... What happened to your---"  
  
Fuschi had lost her old attire, and brought up a much... newer outfit.  
  
"Well," sighed Fuschi, "The brown trench coats were all right, and maybe the wide brimmed hats, but I just prefer these black trench coats and really cool sunglasses!"  
  
"You look like you just came out of The Matrix!"  
  
"I know! Isn't that cool! I also---"  
  
"Ahem!" announced Gandalf, banging his staff on the ground, "You two have leading to do! On with the show!"  
  
"I think you mean on with the fic!" said Fuschi, "Because technically---"  
  
"Fuschi!" snapped Moochi, "That's out of CAI Regulations!"  
  
"It is?.... Oh! It is! Never mind! On we go!"  
  
Agent Fuschi took the lead, her new leathery black trench coat waving gently in the breeze... which was really weird because there wasn't any wind in Moria. Gandalf and Saruman marched behind, while the Fellowship followed behind them in randomly changing order. Agent Moochi tipped up the brim of her hat and brought up the rear to make sure that the hobbits didn't touch any rotting corpses that would fall down the well and summon the cave troll and the orcs.  
  
"Hey!" shouted Pippin, "Is that a mushroom?"  
  
"No! Don't touch---"  
  
Too late. Pippin had plucked a mushroom that was growing out of the... stone sidewalk. Unfortunately, Moochi wasn't quick enough to tell him that it was a lever thing that triggered---  
  
"Scene 15; The Bridge of Khazad Dum." echoed an electronic voice out of nowhere, "Ready and action."  
_  
Beep._  
  
"That means..." said Fuschi, looking at her watch, "You are coordinated to be completely surrounded by orcs in three seconds."  
  
Three. The rumbling sounds came from the massive pillars as the climbing Snaga* began scuttling down the walls like Scarab Beetles.  
  
Two. The pillars were infested as millions of orcs started pouring down like rain.  
  
One. The orcs began forming a circle around the Fellowship, who was completely terrified; Saruman, who simply yawned; and the Agents who were checking their watches.  
  
"We're doomed." whimpered Sam. Frodo's eyes became their shocking bright blue again and widened.  
  
"Aww!" screeched voices from within the darkness, "Lijah is sooo cuuute!"  
  
"Damn!" cursed Fuschi, "It's the fangirls!"  
  
"Ooh!" squeaked Moochi, "That means it's Free Pepper spray Time! Yay!"  
  
"Free Pepper spray time?" asked Boromir, "What is that?"  
  
"When everyone here," said Fuschi, digging into her pocket, "gets a free bottle of my own home-made super-strong, ultra-violent, extra-durable, ultra-violent---"  
  
"You said 'ultra-violent' twice," said Legolas.  
  
"That_ i__s_ because it_ is_ ultra-violent."  
  
"Ow."  
  
"Isn't it _wonderful_! Now be careful with these!"   
  
She tossed each of them a weeny little spray can with a picture of a pink skull head on it. They all delicately put it in their pockets or placed them into their robes as if they were handling with nuclear energy.  
  
"Here comes the Balrog!"  
  
The massive doorways opened an in came not the golden light of the sun, but the flaming red of the evil supposed Maiar**. The orcs shrieked in their girlish shriek and swept up into the pits of the ceiling again. Gandalf squinted his eyes and hunched his shoulders, ignoring Legolas' attempt to fire an arrow.  
  
"Yeah yea," grunted Fuschi, "It's a friggin' Balrog. Move on."  
  
"To the Bridge of Khazad Dum!" muttered Gandalf.  
  
As fast as they could, everyone sprinted across the stone corridors and halls, jumping over debris and nearly tripping over corpses.  
  
"I hear a fell voice over the air!" said Legolas, his elven ears perking up.  
  
"Wrong line, Leggo!" said Fuschi.  
  
"No. I'm serious!" he said, stopping in his tracks, "Can't you hear it?"  
  
The Fellowship and Saruman stopped. The Agents kept running.  
  
_ "Dukatanameenee! Hoo! Hoo! Adeetanameenee! Hoo! Hoo! Udutasheemee! Kuada! Hoo! Hoo!_"  
  
"Hey! I do hear something!" said Aragorn, his eyes widening as he looked around for the source. He only saw the shadows. "Let's move on! We've lost the CAI!"  
  
Running along their designated path, almost falling off the stairs, they reached the stairway where they found the Agents sort of... dancing to the music of the distant voices. Over the crack, Fuschi sang along with them as she pointed down to the ground, signaling them to come over the giant gap.  
  
"Fuschi!" hollered Sam, "Where are those voices coming from?"  
  
"Get over here!" she shouted, slapping her front thigh.  
  
When Legolas, Gandalf, Merry, Pippin, Sam, Boromir and Gimli had reached the other side, an arrow from the high verandah thingys came flying at them. Legolas retorted by firing an arrow of his own at them.  
  
Unfortunately, he missed this time, and it hit a little button that was concealed behind a pillar.   
  
_Beep! Beep! Beep!_  
  
The stone wall behind the orcs lifted. Behind that wall, there was a choir of males on risers. They immediately stopped singing, right in the middle of "_Adasawaee! Duwa! Duwa! Udu tasheemee! Duwa! Duwa! Ukesukas! Kuwastakali! Kuwastakali!_---Oops!" The stone wall slammed down again. The orcs fainted and fell to their deaths from the verandahs.   
  
"Aww!" whined Moochi, "There goes the Khuzdul Tenners!"  
  
"Oh well." sighed Fuschi, "We have the soundtrack at home. Continue!"  
  
Frodo and Aragorn were the only ones left on the stairway, which began to crumble under their feet. As soon as they started panicking and all, Fuschi whipped out a silver remote control and fast forworded everything. Really really quickly, they shifted their weight, jumped over, ran some more, and encountered the Balrog.  
  
"You shall not pass!" Gandalf shouted.  
  
After the Balrog failed to use its head and flap its wings, or just couldn't fly for some odd reason, Moochi yanked the old wizard out of the way and thrust him out the door.  
  
"Mission a success!" cheered Fuschi, "We'll be seein' ya if you get into more trouble! Later!"  
  
_Pop!_  
  
They were gone.  
  
"Wow!" exclaimed Merry, "That was fun!"  
  
"It's time for a song!" said Boromir.  
  
Saruman twitched. He had forgotten about why he was even running around in Moria in the first place! He was busied with the freakish parody that had just occured. He prepared to scream as loud as he could as he watched Gandalf pull on his piano again and the Fellowship line up in their designated positions.  
  
"Oooooohhhh!" they all sang.  
  
"_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"_  
  
"_SING US A SONG MR. SARUMAN!   
SING US A SONG, TONIGHT!---_"  
  
"_GET ME OUTTA' HERE! AAAAAAAHHH!_"  
  
Saruman ran south in an attempt to flee back to Isengard where he might be safe behind the orcs and his stupid tower thingy... Orthanc. By passing rocks, rivers, and a fun puddle he could splash though, he reached the woods of Lothlorien.  
  
"_Yes!_" he cried joyfully as he popped into the woods, "I have escaped them! I have escaped them! I have---"  
  
_**EEEEERRGGHH! VOOOSH! SCREAACH! CRASH!**...tink...tonk...**  
  
  
  
  
  
...THONK!**  
_   
  
  
  


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*Snaga, I think, is like a lesser orc... I guess. At least I'm trying!  
**Balrogs used to be Maiar...right?  
  
  
Chapter 7 will be up in a few days. It has been written already, but I'll be busy for the next few days. I'll upload ASAP.  
  
Cheers,  
Naheka  
  
  
  
  



	6. THE TIE-DYE ESCAPADES- by Naheka

_Disclaimer: We don't own LOTR. JRR Tolkien owns it! Billy Joel gots Piano Man._  
  


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** SING US A SONG MR.SARUMAN! **  
  
  
  
  
  
"He's still alive right?"  
  
"I think so."   
  
"That's one heck of a black eye."  
  
"Well, at least it'll match in texture with his gift-"  
  
"Ssshhh! He's waking up!"   
  
Saruman opened his eyes. He was in a place with tall trees and golden lights. One of the trees had a_ huge_ dent in it. Gandalf, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Aragorn, Boromir and Gimli were all hovering over him, staring intently.  
  
"Hello everyone!" said Saruman in a _look-at-me-I'm-as-happy-as-can-be-because-I-be-an-idiot-and-in-need-of-a-therapist-because-I-also-have-amnesia_ tone. "Where am I? Who am I? Who are _you_?"   
  
Out of the trees, Legolas jumped down, bright and pleasant.   
  
"You're in..." a drumroll played as he spoke, "_LOTHLORIEN!_ And you are..." another drumroll, " _SARUMAN!_ And this is..."  
  
"Enough drum roll!" shouted everyone.   
  
"Sam, Merry, Pippin," Legolas continued, tapping each hobbit on the head. "Aragorn and Boromir" poking his head between their shoulders, "my best friend Gimli,"  
  
"Stupid Elf." Muttered Gimli.   
  
"Aaaaand Mithrindar!"   
  
"Whu?" asked Saruman.  
  
"Mithrindar!"  
  
"Eh?"   
  
"Mithrindar!"  
  
"Er."   
  
"Mithrindar!"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Gandalf." Grumbled everyone.   
  
"Oh."   
  
With that, Legolas swung back up into the trees, singing merrily.   
  
"He's acting unusual." Said Aragorn as he stared after the Elf.   
  
"You haven't read the book have you?" asked Gimli, brandishing a paperback book labeled 'THE LORD OF THE RINGS PART ONE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING' . There was a picture of Frodo on it, admiring his sword Sting.   
  
"Book?" said Boromir, looking closer at it.  
  
" From pages 375 to 383," said Gimli, clearing his throat. "Legolas can't seem to shut up about how wonderful the trees are and whining that it's not Spring time...stupid Elf." He added. Everyone stared at the book for quite some time, but then-  
  
"Hey!" shouted Saruman as something colorful dropped onto his head.  
  
"You forgot this!" hollered Legolas from the top of the tree. Saruman fumbled with the object. It was a tye-dye robe.   
  
"Heeey!" said Merry, admiring Saruman's new robe as he put it on. "I want one!"  
  
Just then, a _giant_ truckload of tye-dye t-shirts, robes, hats, pants, and shoes came down on Merry's head. "Thank you." Merry peeped from under the rainbow clothes.   
  
"No problem man." Said Legolas, who now had a cloth tied around his head, wearing tye-dye green robes, several pendants, and was pulling on a pair of round lensed sunglasses.   
  
"Stupid Elf." Muttered Gimli again.   
  
"I like your shades, man!" said a voice from behind. Everyone turned. Their jaws dropped.   
  
Galadriel was wearing tye-dye purple, and a _very_ long chain of wooden beads around her neck. She made a peace sign at Legolas, who returned it, then fell out of the tree!   
  
"Legolas fell out of the tree!" gasped the Fellowship.  
  
"Ha ha. Stupid Elf." Said Gimli. Aragorn grabbed him by the collar and shook him hard.   
  
"Do you _know_ what this _means_?"  
  
"WE CAUGHT HIM! WE CAUGHT HIM!"   
  
"AFTER ALL THESE YEARS!"  
  
"Um, we've only been searching for the last five minu-"  
  
"AND HE'S ALL MINE!"   
  
"ALL YOURS? I CAUGHT HIM!"  
  
"BUT IT WAS MY IDEA!"   
  
"SO WHAT!? HAHA!"   
  
"Fine then. I'll just go after Aragorn."  
  
"And Frodo."  
  
"Ouch." Said Legolas.  
  
He was probably dropped on the ground. "See?" said one of the voices, "Now we're together.all alone."  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HH!!!!!!"   
  
Legolas fled from behind the tree. Agent Fuschi and Agent Moochi finally dropped out of nowhere and caught Legolas by the collar. Moochi had also attained a Matrix look... because Fuschi made her wear it. Now, two long silver water pistols rested in leather gun-holders. Moochi had hers around her waist, and Fuschi had it strapped around her thigh.  
  
"Agent Moochi, this is Agent Fuschi, we have enemy 101 a.k.a. FANGIRL on the loose." Said Fuschi. Moochi looked at Legolas through her sunglasses.   
  
"Identify and locate 101 please." She said to him.   
  
"Over there, man!" said Legolas in his new hippy tone as he pointed behind the tree.   
  
Fuschi and Moochi whipped out their water pistols, and crept around the stump.   
  
"Surrender yourself!" roared Fuschi as she pointed her gun at a fangirl who was looking around in search of her lost obsession.   
  
"Where'd he go?" the fangirl asked.   
  
"He ran away from you, stupid!" shouted another fangirl, who was now stroking Frodo's head. Frodo seemed to be near tears as the stroking turned to hugs. He _hated_ to think what would be coming next.   
  
"Drop the Hobbit and exit the perimeter!" barked Moochi. The fangirl hugged Frodo tighter. "I said, DROP THE HOBBIT AND EXIT THE PERIMETER!" The fangirl squealed and scampered away as Fuschi fired a couple shots on the ground, leaving the grass soaking wet..._oh_ how very threatening. The fangirl that had been staring seductively at Aragorn had also escaped from the scene of the crime and fled along with the other.   
  
"Now that that's been taken care of," said Fuschi as she put her water gun back in the holder. "Good day." And with that, she and Agent Moochi jumped up into the nearest tree and vanished.   
  
"Like, cool man!" said Legolas making a peace sign as he climbed back up his original tree.   
  
"What just happened?" asked Saruman as he looked at himself in a certain podium of magic water, oohing and aahing at his new red tie-dye robes.  
  
"Hey! Like, my reflection just changed!" Saruman looked deeper into the water. He saw himself in a field of flowers with a guitar in hand singing some hideously annoying tune like _Where Have All the Balrogs Gone?_ Saruman beckoned the Fellowship forward to see this amazing watery television. Merry, now clad in yellow tie-dye and Pippin in orange, were first to reach the podium.  
  
"Mushrooms!" they squeaked in delight as they saw themselves arms over each other's shoulder's (in a pure, non-slash way) and skipping in the field of flowers and eating all the mushrooms with Saruman, who was still strumming his guitar. Aragorn also in red, Frodo in blue, Sam in brown with dream catchers around his neck, and Boromir in green saw themselves linking arms (in a pure, non- slash way) and dancing in a circle. Gandalf in... _storm blue_, not grey, Legolas in his green, and Gimli, who was all out _rainbow_ , joined them in the circle dance and they all looked like they were having fun.   
  
With ten men surrounding a small basin, accidents are inevitably possible. Saruman tipped over, tripping Gimli and Gandalf, who fell into the Hobbits, which knocked over Legolas, who crashed into Aragorn and Boromir that landed on top of Saruman. They all collapsed like dominos. Agent Fuschi and Agent Moochi came round again, got everyone on their feet, and then disappeared.   
  
"That...was weird." Huffed Pippin as he walked away from the basin.   
  
"I want those mushrooms!" grumbled Merry as he followed Pippin out of the scene.   
  
"I want that hat." said Gandalf, peering into the basin again. "Wait a minute.... I do have that hat. Oh happy day!" And with that, he skipped away after Merry and Pippin and out of the scene.   
  
"Agent Moochi, this isn't the exact recorded document." said Agent Fuschi who had just dropped out of nowhere.  
  
"Then we shall make it the way it should be!" exclaimed Moochi as she and Fuschi grabbed Gandalf, Merry, and Pippin by the collars and hoisted them back into the scene.   
  
"Owchie!" said Pippin.   
  
"I feel a hurt in my hurting place." piped Merry.   
  
"Well," inquired Gandalf. "Do you know what I feel?"  
  
"What do you feel Gandalf?" asked Legolas as he took a place next to Boromir and Aragorn. Gimli and the hobbits lined up with each other.   
  
"I feel," said Gandalf getting out his piano. Saruman felt tense. This was a familiar scene, even after amnesia from being thwacked in the head by a tree.  
  
"A SONG COMING!" Gandalf played a couple chords and then-   
  
"_SING US A SONG MR.SARUMAN!!!  
SING US A SONG TONIGHT!   
THOUGH IT SOUNDS LIKE NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD,   
WE DON'T CARE, OUR EARS DIED LAST NIGHT!!!_"   
  
Saruman fled from the Fellowship Choir, jumped in a boat, and paddled swiftly down the river, his red tye-dye robes fluttering in the winds.  
  


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**  
POLL...SORT OF...YEAH...:**  
  
_What should happen next? I'm short on ideas, and Chaos-chan is defintely not going to be of any use....  
  
_

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_  
_  



	7. BUSINESS- by Naheka

Disclaimer: JRR Tokien owns LOTR, and Oscar Mayer owns it jingle! Yank-Doodle is a folk song... I guess.  


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**VERY VERY SPECIAL THANKS TO:**  
  
Amarth! For this chapters idea! Thanks for reviewing too! You should get a free tye-dye robe! Courtesy of Legolas' Random Falling Tye-Die Collection Services!  
  
**And of course...**  
_  
Thank you to all of you unexpected reviewers!_  
*Snitter in Rivendell  
*callie  
*Forestsilver  
*Celenathil-the-Elf  
*Cavca  
*elwing  
*Alisyn   
  


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_**  
NOW.... ON WITH THE FIC!**_  
  


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**SING US A SONG MR. SARUMAN!!!**  
  
  
The infernal chords continued to ring in Saruman's ears, even when he had paddled half-way down Anduin, which is actually probably really impossible for a old guy in that time rate. But he didn't care if he just defied velocity, he just wanted to get away from the Fellowship and their stupid song.   
  
"Wait a minute!" he exclaimed to himself, "I can call upon my massively powerful and invincible army of ignorantly stupid Uruk-hai! I am so brilliant!"  
  
He paddled aside onto the shores of I'm-a-Hen, which was the imaginary world next to Amon Hen. As he lept valiantly out of the boat, he made his orcish cry that went something like:  
  
"_Akushbaddadushslavoshshelbaslastardysmavastrady! Antidisestablishmentariismthingerdingeroldwillywonkercandytasteslikeeggs! Wafflesandtoast! Pancakeswithsugar! Frostingwithcream! Imapoisonousmushroompleaseeatme!_ POTATOES!"  
  
Nothing happened.  
  
"Duh!" Saruman chuckled, as if anyone could easily mistake a single noted orc call for a series of words about... odd things. "That was the summoning for my coffee lumps!"  
  
Out of nowhere, a whole gallon of hot steaming coffee poured on top of his head. Saruman began screaming from the burn, until he was silenced by a pile of sugar cubes that also came down on his head.  
  
It would have tasted very good... if the coffee wasn't really heated axel grease and the sugar cubes was really wet salt.  
  
"Blech!"  
  
Then, a reply of screeching and roaring came echoing througout the woods of I'm-A-Hen. His Uruk-hai army was coming for him! How very...lucky... I guess. As Saruman listened closely to hear their savage marching song, he heard another tune.  
  
"Oooh!" came the synchronised voices of the Uruk-hai,  
"_My bologny has a first name! it's O-S-C-A-R!  
My bologny has a second name! it's M-A-Y-E-R!_"  
  
"Uh-oh..." thought Saruman, "I have a feeling.... Oh dear."  
  
The Uruk-hai leaped out of the trees like deer and formed their solemn single file line in front of Saruman, who gasped to see that they were each clad in long, navy blue, pinstripe _business suits_. Lurtz stepped out of the line of Uruk-hai, the only one with a maroon suit. He adjusted his black tie before clearing his throat and bringing up a shiny brown leather suitcase.  
  
"Saruman," he said in a surprisingly civil tone, "We _quit_. We can't fight like this! It gives us ouchies and hurtsies and booboos! Besides, we don't even get enough pay for it! However," he whipped out a pair of reading glasses from his pocket and put them on, "We will come back to work for you if you decide to change your... company. Until then, we shall be the United Army of Life Insurance Salesmen! Would you like to---"  
  
"NO! I DON'T WANT ANY!" shrieked Saruman. He fled from I'm-A-Hen and went to Amon Hen to find a place where he could have solitude... and so that he could collect himself from the horrible images he had just seen.  
  
Just then, the Fellowship came rowing along!  
  
Aragorn stood up in the boat, one foot lodged on the bow, while Boromir rowed at his feet. Frodo sat behind him and looked into the river as the rest of the hobbits stood on the opposite side, raising a flag that bore the number '9' written in white over green. It fluttered majestically in the breeze as Gimli also rowed below it.* Gandalf and Legolas crouched at the back, the wizard with his piano on his chest. They were both singing:  
  
"_Frodo Baggins of the Shire,  
Riding on a pony!  
Holds a Ring of EVIL DOOM!  
And cooks up macaroni!_"  
  
The rest of the Fellowship, excluding Frodo, joined into the song.  
  
"_Frodo Baggins, keep it up!  
Frodo Baggins, hobbit,  
You better not screw this up,  
Or we'll just die and forfiet_!"  
  
"Hey you!" called one Uruk-hai, flashing inurance papers, "Boy have we got a deal for---"  
  
"WE DON'T WANT ANY!" the Fellowship screamed simutaneoulsy. They paddled away as swiftly as they could, but suddenly, Lurtz took out his big long arrows and shot Boromir. He fell out of the boat.  
  
Since there was no head steersman, Aragorn toppled over. This caused Frodo to lean too far out and splash into the river, which startled Sam, who pushed Merry and Pippin overboard. Sam pulled a string on his vest, inflating large yellow waterwings, which also knocked over Gimli into the water. Gimli nearly drowned from his heavy armor pulling him down. As Sam jumped into the water after his master, Legolas dove in to save his best friend. Gandalf didn't jump in because he didn't want to get his thirty-dollar electric piano wet.  
  
Boromir drifted onto the shore. Lurtz shot another arrow at him.  
  
"Would you be interested in---" Lurtz began.  
  
"NEVER! GET AWAY FROM ME! YOU MUST---" he coughed and spat out what looked like blood, but it was really ketchup from the cheeseburger he had at lunch.  
  
"Fine then. Have it your way."  
  
Lurtz shot the final arrow at Boromir.  
  
"Now, are you sure you don't want---"  
  
"Easy-squeezy-lemon-peezy..." muttered Boromir, "Wait!--I haven't been droppin' no eaves sire--Oh!--It must destro--No! I mean--Luke! I am your--D'oh!"  
  
"Life Insurance?" Lurtz offered, handing the messed up human a stack of neat white parchment forms. Boromir sighed and took out a ball-point pen and began signing all the forms.  
  
"Thank you, sir!" said Lurtz cheerfully. He smiled, showing all his cracked, bloody, yet sparkling white fangs. Boromir was so blinded by the shine that he fainted. Lurtz thought he died, so he and the other orcs just tossed him over the Falls of Rauros.  
  
"And so, we gather today to honor the death of --blahblahblahblahblah..." Lurtz began preaching importantly.   
  
  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, Saruman was busy hanging upsidedown inside the nose of a broken staute's face. While muttering to himself in prayer, he listened for the hints of the expected song.  
  
Of course, like it does in every other chapter, the verse came.  
  
"_SING US A SONG MR. SARUMAN!  
SING US A SONG TONIGHT!  
THOUGH IT SOUNDS LIKE NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD,  
WE DON'T CARE, OUR EARS DIED LAST NIGHT_!"  
  
"Hey!" called a hobbit voice, "Look at that red and white booger!"  
  
  
  


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*The positions are just supposed to be the exact ones that of that painting of Geroge Washington crossing the Delaware river.  
  
  
  
  
  



	8. OF CANNIBAL PIGEONS AND THE VALAR by Nah...

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Lord of the Rings. It belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien.  
**  


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**Author's Note: **  
  
My excuse is some very light Deprivus Ideaus (a.k.a. Writer's Block), a lot of homework, and more than five other stories to continue and write. I apologize.   
  


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**SING US A SONG MR.SARUMAN!!!**  
  
Saruman waited for the blow to fall. The Fellowship would catch him, and they would probably do something terrible to him, like chase him all over Middle-earth, make him wear something silly, then hang him upside-down in the nose of a broken statue in Amon Hen... wait... no! He had already been chased all over Middle-earth, worn something silly, and was currently hanging upside-down in the nose of a broken statue in Amon Hen!  
  
So, Saruman hung upside-down in the left nostril, rocking himself back and forth in utter terror and horror as he watched the Fellowship approach him. Pippin was running toward him pointing his Halfling finger at the old wizard. His fellow hobbit friends waddled like geese, attempting to sprint right behind him. Aragorn and Legolas were depressed that the soprano of their singing triad (Aragorn was tenor, Legolas was alto, and Boromir was soprano) had been carelessly tossed over the Falls of Rauros by _The United Army of Life-Insurance Salesmen_. The Steward of Gondor was, in fact, now dangling by his right foot which had caught on a rock as he was falling.   
  
"_On top of spaghettiiiiii!_" sang the male soprano because he was bored, "_All covered with cheeeeese! There once was a meatbaaaaaaall, 'till somebody-_--ACHOO!"   
  
As Boromir jerked from his sneeze, his foot unhooked from the rock and he fell to the earth, screaming the whole way.  
  
But Aragorn and Legolas didn't know any of this. And they were sad. Gandalf (who was perfectly fine that Boromir had departed, just as he himself had been off a cliff... or a bridge once) suggested that the mortal and elf do a dance to cheer themselves up.  
  
So ... Aragorn and Legolas were doing a sort of amateur _Irish jig_ together, kicking their legs up high as they danced among the dead leaves of Amon Hen. Gimli trudged behind the breaking Fellowship, twisting his braided beard in attempt to ring out the water when he had fallen out of the boat. He was also grumbling because the flag with the number nine on it was as drenched as his beard and had wrapped itself around his stocky left leg, making the dwarf occasionally trip if the flag ever snagged onto a random protruding twig.   
  
"There he is!" cried Pippin as he peeked up the stone nostril into the face of Saruman. He jumped up and down, squealing with happiness. Saruman was about to scream.... again, until Legolas stopped dancing and pointed above.  
  
"Ai!" the elf cried, "Crebain! From Dundland!"  
  
"Really?" asked Merry who, with Pippin, threw his head back so that he looked up at the sky.  
  
Indeed, a black swarm of birds were beating their feathery wings as they squawked their evil calls and huddled together like a dark cloud. It was coming fast at them, so the Fellowship cowered and hid behind some rocks and statues.  
  
Saruman was overjoyed that his allies had come to save him. He took the advantage of this by climbing out of the statue's nose and tumbling onto the ground. With a "graceful", ballerina-like leap, he sprung up on his toes. Then, he ran into the wide open area where the Crebain could see him.  
  
"Over here! Over here!" the wizard hollered, flashing his red tye-dye robes about, "Come save me! I'm down here!"  
  
But little did Saruman know that Legolas had forgotten his contact lenses at home! _Dun! Dun! Dun! _And it was not the Crebain that the prince saw, but other wicked birds... much more wicked birds.  
  
"_AUGH! CANNIBAL PIGEONS!_"  
  
The flock of gray birds came pouring down on him and began pecking at his head. As he ran around in circles screaming like a maniac, shielding his head from the blows, he wondered to himself about why cannibal pigeons were attacking him and not each other.   
  
Finally, he dove back into the shelter of his nose--the statue's nose, that is. Hyperventilating, he began swinging back and forth in his hanging position, praying to the Valar that the pigeons wouldn't attack him.  
  
_ Well_, Orome and Ulmo were up at Manwe's, playing poker over a cool pack of _Cadharas Dew_.   
  
"Royal flush!" cheered Ulmo as he slammed the battered game cards on the scrubbed wooden table. Orome sighed as he put his head down in shame. Aule stepped by and looked down at the game. He raised and eyebrow and shook his rocky head before following a drunken Tulkas pass a couch full of chattering She-Valar.  
  
"So it was on sale for $2.99!" squealed Vaire, brandishing a pink powder brush at her fellow female deities.   
  
"Great," muttered Vana, putting a hand to her forehead, "Another useless accessory."  
  
"Personally," commented Yavanna as she took as sip of chamomile tea, "I do not believe in all of these... unnecessary particles that only illustrate lies upon the edge of our faces. 'Tis not facial purpose that we should seek, but---"  
  
"Trees and flowers forever!" mocked Nessa.  
  
"Silence, fool!"  
  
"Calm down," ushered Varda, waving her glittery hands at the two bantering Valar, "After Morgoth, we needn't another war."  
  
"_Morgoth!_" cried Este, beginning to get hysterical, "_No! I cannot stand another round of twenty-four seven healing!... I'll break another nail!_"  
  
Vana placed a comforting arm around Este's shoulders in attempt to calm her down.... But it failed.  
  
  
***  
  
  
"OUCHIE!" screamed Saruman as a mighty something came pummeling down onto the statue he was hiding in. The statue collapsed, leaving the poor old man in a heap of crushed stone. When the flying debris had subsided, he sighed and relaxed.  
  
Then came another row of beating and booming. Saruman's face met the stone and dirty leaves again. He was lucky to be alive after it had stopped. Staggering to his old feet, he cautiously looked around his territory to seek what had just attacked him.  
  
A herd of very large, very powerful-looking, and very frantic looking people were running madly about Amon Hen, crying out: "_No! Stop, Este! Calm down!_"  
  
Este only screamed and continued running. She jumped over another ivy-overtaken staute, dodged between a clump of autumn trees, splashed recklessly across Anduin, and made a U-turn back to Saruman. Though Este's nimble feet had leapt over his head, Lorien tramped, Orome stamped, Varda pranced, Manwe kicked, Nessa bounced, Aule crushed, Ulmo whipped, Vana stomped, Tulkas pounded, Mandos trod, Vaire nearly tripped, and Yavanna gracefully floated over him, leaving a trail of grass and mushrooms over the Istari's head.   
  
Saruman popped his head up from his new mantle of earth and fearfully peered through the forest to see if anyone was coming again. He watched all thirteen gods and goddesses continue to shriek and run about in circles. Then, Este came his way again. She leapt over. Saruman clenched his eyes in worry, knowing what was destined to come. So... Lorien tramped, Orome stamped, Varda pranced, Manwe kicked, Nessa bounced, Aule crushed, Ulmo whipped, Vana stomped, Tulkas pounded, Mandos trod, Vaire nearly tripped, and Yavanna gracefully floated over him, leaving a trail of grass and mushrooms over the Istari's head.   
  
Finally, Peregrin Took and Meriadoc Brandybuck pounced on Saruman's head and plucked the mushrooms off of his beard while humming loudly:  
  
"_SING US A SONG, MR. SARUMAN!  
SING US A SONG, TONIGHT!  
THOUGH IT SOUNDS LIKE NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD!  
WE DON'T CARE, OUR EARS DIED LAST NIGHT!_"  
  


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**  
REVIEW OFFER:**  
Someone _please_ send an e-mail to C-chan and tell her to write? Her address is chaos-chan@hawaii.rr.com . I will give three reviews; three good reviews to everyone who does this. And I will write a short story, and give fifteen good reviews to anyone who actually gets her to write a chapter or two. I am furiously desperate. I can't be the only one writing this, even if it's fun to do. You do not want to hear me rant.  
If you're up for the offer, please mention in a review or e-mail. Don't worry. She's very quiet, and very shy. She doesn't have any teeth to bite. Thank you, and have a nice day!  
  
  



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